Men Wanted 18-45 ASAP. I'll let the job posting speak for itself.

For my guys in and from New England, as submitted to Reader's Digest by Gayla Bieksha, of Hubbardston, Mass:

Blood may be thicker than water, but baseball beats them both. I learned this after explaining to my two boys that they were half-Lithuanian, on their father's side, and half-Yankee, meaning their other set of grandparents came from an old New England family.

My younger son looked worried. "But we're still a hundred percent Red Sox, right, Mom?"

Via Gruber via Kottke, the low-down on a fake word.

I read this and thought of Tom and Tiffany. For the record, I do not name my automobiles. Macs, firearms, yes. Autos, no.

The fall softball season began yesterday for the co-ed church league I participate in. We opened against the sophomore contenders of First United Methodist of Lewisville. (Their rookie season was earlier this year, during the spring.) A lot of youngsters on the FUMC team, but that can cut both ways. We had a full complement of players show up, and then some. We had three-way and two-way rotations going, as well as outright substitutes. I managed to play three of the six innings, squatting behind the plate and taking the hurls from Heather, our second pitcher of the game. So not much fielding work for me during the first game. My time in the batter's box showed the results of not putting bat to ball in four months. I went 0-2, sending out grounders that resulted in fielder's choices, getting my teammates plugged at second. Definitely time to hit the cages, and friends for company be damned. Everyone else did well at the plate, and our pitching and defense were superb. The final tally was 17-1, and we begin the season with a win. No play Labor Day weekend, and Katrina has seen fit to deny our trip to the New Orleans area to finish clearing out my wife's childhood home. So I'll try to take advantage of the off-week. Anyone for the batting cages and throwing around?

Maybe not so much verbatim, but in spirit.

Today, I've spent time listening to some old tunes that have recently found their way in to my iTunes library. In the course of cleaning up a small portion of the CD collection, and putting some up for sale, I spent some time sucking CDs into MP3s. Currently tripping the bytes fantastic is The Cult's Sonic Temple.

No, that is not a typo in the title. I mean "BS," not "BCS," though some would argue they have become one and the same. I mention this because a few moments ago I flipped on the idiot box to channel surf while relaxing for a few minutes. The satellite receiver had been left on NBC, which is showing the AVP Nissan Manhattan Beach Open, the women's final, to be specific. They were just coming back from commercial, and noted that in attendance was a large portion of the USC Trojan football team. Then there was the magical BS moment: "It's hard enough for a team to win a national title, much less three, which no team has ever done before..." said spokesbabe to Trojan quarterback Matt Leinart. She was, of course, referring to the fact that USC is ranked #1 in the pre-season polls, and the Trojans will be the frontrunners for another national title in NCAA football. She is, of course, wrong, as is any other sports broadcaster, to suggest that USC may become the first team to win three in a row. USC did not win the national championship in 2003. Let me say that again, for the many Trojan worshippers out there, including those infesting sports broadcasting. USC did not win the national championship in 2003. That honor went to LSU, which defeated Oklahoma in the Sugar Bowl to win the BCS National Championship. The whole point of the BCS, despite its myriad shortcomings, is to have a clear national champion at the end of the college football season. The whole point of the BCS is that there will no longer be a shared national title. One champion. One. LSU was the national championship team for 2003. USC was the national championship team for 2004. USC will not become the first team to win three national titles in a row, should they prevail in 2005. Was USC denied this opportunity, by virtue of Oklahoma being ranked higher in the standings at the end of the year, and getting the shot against LSU in the Sugar Bowl? Undoubtedly. Just as Auburn was denied the opportunity of a national title by virtue of Oklahoma being ranked higher at the end of the 2004 season. Chalk it up to a bias toward Oklahoma in the poll voters. (I note with amusement that now, having gotten it wrong two years in a row, Oklahoma doesn't even break the Top 5 in any of the preseason polls.) I've said it before and it bears repeating: If USC and its worshippers want LSU to share the national title with them for 2003, then USC must share the 2004 title with Auburn. Leinart and Co. will be going for their second title in a row this year, not their third.

I have a hard time calling the son of a Greek shipping magnate "scrappy," but I guess Stelios Haji-Ioannou can afford to be:

...[I]n 1998, when British Airways launched a budget airline called Go to compete with EasyJet. Not only was Stelios on Go's inaugural flight, but he and nine of his executives put on bright-orange jumpsuits and handed out free EasyJet tickets to all of the passengers. "The BA people didn't know what to do, so they just watched us," Stelios recalls with a satisfied smile. "We looked like clowns," recalls James Rothnie, EasyGroup's corporate communications chief. Halfway into the Rome-bound flight, Stelios was conducting interviews onboard with a bemused British press. The stunt moved the media to begin portraying little EasyJet as an intrepid challenger to the giant BA, invaluable publicity for Stelios. More important, Go struggled from the outset to compete with the hustling EasyJet and surrendered in 2002, when Stelios bought it and doubled the size of EasyJet in one stroke. [Link on Business 2.0 may be for subscribers only. --R]

So sayeth the Fontosaurus.

Heather:

Just ask Jon who tonight put a rubber tarantula underneath the bag of ravioli I was about to dump into a pot of boiling water. I BOUGHT THE TARANTULA, for crying out loud, last year, in hopes of frightening Jon, the unfrightable fucker who has more than once stuck his head over the shower curtain when I am mid-shampoo to purposefully convince me that a serial killer has entered the house and stumbled upon my bathing experience with glee.

Damien and his brother Cameron are attempting to get on The Amazing Race. They have a noble purpose for this endeavor, having nothing to do with fame as "reality" tv stars. We'll be rooting for you guys from the phisch bowl! [Via Consolation Champs.]

If you're a huge baseball fan (Tom) with some time to kill, FranX points us to BallparkTour.com and Ballparks of Baseball. I'm sure it's due to being in my hometown, but the only sporting venue I like more than the Ballpark in Arlington (I refuse to dignify it by its corporate name) is Tiger Stadium. And I'm not talking about the one in Detroit.

I have a new reason to develop a more positive attitude.

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." -- Herm Albright, author, quoted in the St. Paul Pioneer Press

Don't mess with Texas. Now you can buy gear and support the anti-litter campaign with the awesome slogan.

Nick Saban, former head coach of the national champion LSU Tigers football team, has a reputation of being a tough coach. He's tough on his players during practice, and especially during a game. This was one reason he was highly sought after by the Miami Dolphins. So what does he do during the first training camp with the team? Why, he makes a rookie defensive tackle cry, of course. I shall refrain from comments regarding the DT being from USC...

Merlin’s del.icio.us page points to this explanation by Leslie on the different make-ups of the different diet sodas now available from Coca-Cola. For the record, I've tried them all, and my own personal taste test results are as follows: Diet Coke - I knew there was a reason I never liked "New Coke," and having a non-sugar version only made that worse
Diet Coke with Splenda - new "New Coke"; better than the original, but still not something I'd pick up
Coke Zero - nice try, and it would be a toss-up between it and the Diet with Splenda
C2 - as close as you can get to the authentic Coke with a diet version; if I can't have, or would rather not have, the Real Thing™, this is what I drink Though I have been rather successful at keeping soda of any kind to a minimum in my diet. Which means if I'm going to have one, I may as well have the original, non-diet version.

Yes, parents, that Thomas. It went something like this: Mrs. Phisch: "Who are the blue engines? Thomas, Henry, and Edward?" Me: "No, Gordon's blue. Henry's green." Her: "Are you sure?" Me: "Yes." Her: "No he's not! You're thinking of Henry!" Me: "No, I'm thinking of Gordon. He's blue. He pulls the express." Her: "Come back this up!" She refers to the godsend of modern television, TiVo, upon which many an episode of Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends has been preserved for the little phisch. She currently has the little phisch in her lap, together in one of the easy chairs, and the remote is across the room. Me: "I'll back it up, but you're wrong. Gordon's blue." Her: "Want to bet?" Me: "Sure. What's the bet?" Her: "The loser has to drive to get ice cream." She refers to soft-serve sundaes from Carvel. We pinkie-shake to affirm the bet. I back up the episode in question to the spot she ordains as telling us which engine the one I say Gordon is. I await my hot-caramel sundae after the tyke goes to bed. Update, 8:45 PM CST: A sly one, that Mrs. Phisch. To bathe the little phisch, she changes in to pajamas and sweats. She then uses this as an excuse to not go get ice cream. She barters a trade that I make the ice cream run, while she cleans up the tyke's bathroom, traditionally my post-bath duty. I retain full bet-winning gloat authority. And I do want a hot-caramel sundae...

The womenfolk certainly have a way of making us insane--in a good way--don't they, fellas? "You and Me" - Lifehouse What day is it, and in what month
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up, and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time
Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you
All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here
Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you
Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right
Cause it's you and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you
You and me and all of the people
With nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you


--written by Jason Wade and Jude Cole

Published by G-Chills/Songs of DreamWorks (BMI) and Jude Cole Music/Warner Chappell Music (BMI)
© Copyright 2005 Geffen Records

Jeff Harrell:

People from time zones west of here should iChat me immediately. Especially if they’re twentysomething women who like to tell weirdo Internet writers how great they are all the time.

Middle-aged men pretending to be twentysomething women are okay too, as long as it’s convincing. You let it slip just once that you’re actually a forty-seven year old tire salesman who’s sitting in his enormous store-brand boxers with a Gateway on his lap, and the whole fucking thing is just ruined. At least I can go to sleep tonight with something truly funny rolling around in my head. Come on, people, tip the man.

ATPM staffers lead glamourous lives, let me tell you. When we're not unemployed (moi), running our own businesses (Michael and Evan), or working for others (Lee, Ellyn, and practically everyone else), you might find one of us interning for a popular magazine. I thought Wes had hit the big-time when he got to wander around Manhattan, challenging perfect strangers to lightsaber duels. Now, in the August 2005 issue of PM (not yet online), Mr. Meltzer's in print, taking part in the "Shred Reckoning" personal shredder comparison. For the record, that is not Wes's photo used in the test document.

Overheard on the Dow Jones Stock Report, on WRR, just a few moments ago:

"Maidenform is getting some firm support from investors..."